Today I got my front tooth fixed, so it's no longer chipped, and I no longer resemble a character from Wrong Turn. I am quite saddened about this.

I wrote a short story for Take a Break Fiction magazine last night; the whole idea is it is meant to be a story with a twist. A twist for a reader who's average age is 85? For fuck's sake, a biscuit without their tea is a twist for them. Anyway, after much debate I decided to write about a woman worried about what the reader would assume is her teenage daughter, but is in fact her CAT.

Jesus H Christ, I have sacrificed pretty much all my artistic integrity to write that story. Let's hope it gets me £400. It would be nice to keep my electricity.

In other news, there's a lot of talk about Illuminati and the music industry at the moment. I love a good conspiracy theory, but I do not believe 99% of them. Purely because you can make a conspiracy theory out of even, oh let's say Take a Break readers and their penchant for a twist in their tales, if you try hard enough. I personally am more scared of an uprising of grannies with knitting needles than I am of a Lady Gaga video, but that's just me.

Tila Tequila is still batshit crazy which is awesome. I'm definitely more of a fan of her since she flipped her lid than when she just got topless on myspace.

I miss Scarily Alike Friend more than anything. I can't wait to see her again.

Watch out for Beyonce/Jay Z/Lady Gaga etc videos - they will DEFINITELY turn you into zombies and you will DEFINITELY be worshipping satan by enjoying the musical joy they bring to us all.

इ'वे बीन गोने अ लॉन्ग time

I haven't updated this in a while. I got a bit bored of it, to be frank. Well, Best Friend 1 never came out, after losing his passport on the day of his flight. He did however pick me up when I returned home, and I was pleasantly surprised to find he had replaced his Mini with a Dukes Of Hazzard style truck. First night back was a nightmare I hope to never relive. Female Best Friend's wedding was beautiful, however, and I didn't make too much of a cock up of my reading or signing the register. I had been warned in advance not to sign my 'i's' with cat faces or hearts. Spent a lot of time with Best Friend 2, being meloncholy and drinking rum. I also managed to sneak a hipflask of rum into Female Best Friend's wedding, which I think is a necessity at any wedding. Hung out with some good people whilst back, and really managed to spend quality time with Best Friend 2 which I miss so much. It's hard having lived with someone so long to being so far away. We discovered a love of drinking in the garden at 4am, and we also went on a ghost hunt which scared the life out of both of us. At one point we got surrounded by fog in a field, it was very Stephen King and I did not like it ONE BIT. Anyway, as soon as I returned, Scarily Alike Friend came to stay for a while. We wrote a lot for our book and went to a tattoo convention where we ended up partying with the rich and famous and getting new tattoos. I chipped a tooth, it was very white trash. Unfotunately I'm having that badboy fixed tomorrow. It was amazing seeing her, and everyone commented on how we look and act like sisters. I've not been feeling great for a while now, I'm so tired and unhappy a lot of the time for no good reason. I don't feel depressed, I just feel unsatisfied and slightly detatched from everyone and everything. My Auntie and Uncle finally tied the knot today, so congrats to them, they are awesome. I would like to clarify here that everything I ever do or say is as a joke. For example, 'I totally stole your stash... AS A JOKE'. Not that I've stolen anyone's stash. Well, not for a while anyway. This is just rambling now as I'm really tired. Okay well SWEET LIFE.