Today I got my front tooth fixed, so it's no longer chipped, and I no longer resemble a character from Wrong Turn. I am quite saddened about this.

I wrote a short story for Take a Break Fiction magazine last night; the whole idea is it is meant to be a story with a twist. A twist for a reader who's average age is 85? For fuck's sake, a biscuit without their tea is a twist for them. Anyway, after much debate I decided to write about a woman worried about what the reader would assume is her teenage daughter, but is in fact her CAT.

Jesus H Christ, I have sacrificed pretty much all my artistic integrity to write that story. Let's hope it gets me £400. It would be nice to keep my electricity.

In other news, there's a lot of talk about Illuminati and the music industry at the moment. I love a good conspiracy theory, but I do not believe 99% of them. Purely because you can make a conspiracy theory out of even, oh let's say Take a Break readers and their penchant for a twist in their tales, if you try hard enough. I personally am more scared of an uprising of grannies with knitting needles than I am of a Lady Gaga video, but that's just me.

Tila Tequila is still batshit crazy which is awesome. I'm definitely more of a fan of her since she flipped her lid than when she just got topless on myspace.

I miss Scarily Alike Friend more than anything. I can't wait to see her again.

Watch out for Beyonce/Jay Z/Lady Gaga etc videos - they will DEFINITELY turn you into zombies and you will DEFINITELY be worshipping satan by enjoying the musical joy they bring to us all.

इ'वे बीन गोने अ लॉन्ग time

I haven't updated this in a while. I got a bit bored of it, to be frank. Well, Best Friend 1 never came out, after losing his passport on the day of his flight. He did however pick me up when I returned home, and I was pleasantly surprised to find he had replaced his Mini with a Dukes Of Hazzard style truck. First night back was a nightmare I hope to never relive. Female Best Friend's wedding was beautiful, however, and I didn't make too much of a cock up of my reading or signing the register. I had been warned in advance not to sign my 'i's' with cat faces or hearts. Spent a lot of time with Best Friend 2, being meloncholy and drinking rum. I also managed to sneak a hipflask of rum into Female Best Friend's wedding, which I think is a necessity at any wedding. Hung out with some good people whilst back, and really managed to spend quality time with Best Friend 2 which I miss so much. It's hard having lived with someone so long to being so far away. We discovered a love of drinking in the garden at 4am, and we also went on a ghost hunt which scared the life out of both of us. At one point we got surrounded by fog in a field, it was very Stephen King and I did not like it ONE BIT. Anyway, as soon as I returned, Scarily Alike Friend came to stay for a while. We wrote a lot for our book and went to a tattoo convention where we ended up partying with the rich and famous and getting new tattoos. I chipped a tooth, it was very white trash. Unfotunately I'm having that badboy fixed tomorrow. It was amazing seeing her, and everyone commented on how we look and act like sisters. I've not been feeling great for a while now, I'm so tired and unhappy a lot of the time for no good reason. I don't feel depressed, I just feel unsatisfied and slightly detatched from everyone and everything. My Auntie and Uncle finally tied the knot today, so congrats to them, they are awesome. I would like to clarify here that everything I ever do or say is as a joke. For example, 'I totally stole your stash... AS A JOKE'. Not that I've stolen anyone's stash. Well, not for a while anyway. This is just rambling now as I'm really tired. Okay well SWEET LIFE.

Freddy Kreuger

Yesterday I spent two hours cleaning the oven, and then later I burnt my hand on it. My hand now resembles Freddy Kreuger's face, so THANKS A LOT OVEN, LAST TIME I BOTHER TO CLEAN YOU. Ungrateful bitch.

The house is now, I am pleased to say, flea free. It would be quite a pleasant place to live if it wasn't for the fact that we possibly now have termites. Get rid of one species of evil little biting beasts, gain a new one, that has always been my motto.

At least our female Bearded Dragon hasn't laid eggs yet; the search for an incubator has so far been fruitless. As I speak my chihuahua is attempting to sit on my lap, he is an incredibly intelligent and manipulative little dog and knows it is bath time soon, so is therefore attempting to butter me up. He may bring me one of his toys in a minute and look up at me with his big, sad eyes. Luckily I am immune to his ways, as Boyfriend and I have come home to a bed sodden with urine due to him having a tantrum for being left on his own. He knows how to cut deep.

He has a weird compulsion with hiding things in his bed and I'm not sure if that's normal. He fills his little bed with whatever he finds lying around, as well as both his and the cats' toys until it gets ridiculous and we have to empty it so he can still fit inside. The other month we found 5 or 6 bottle tops, 3 of the cats' leopard print mice, his frog toy, a terrifying witch figure from Halloween, a couple of socks, a hacky sack and some of my earrings, amongst other things. One of our cats tried to play with a leopard print mouse the other day, and gingerly took it out of his bed, but he was not having any of it. He chased her and took the mouse back into his bed. That's the other weird thing, he can't stand his 'treasures' being out of his bed. If we try to throw one of his toys for him, he'll fetch it, then put it straight back into his bed. Boyfriend and I took everything out of it and threw it all over the place the other day, just for shits and giggles, and it was hilarious; the dog went insane. I've never seen anything move so fast, trying to get it all back in his bed before it got contaminated with outside air.

I am off to do some baking for Best Friend #1's arrival tomorrow. I wonder if it's safe/sanitary to bake with a Freddy Kreuger hand? Probably not, but the Burn-eze might get into the mixture and add an extra kick. If that's the case, I might be let off the Tequila shots.

Recently I have swapped green tea for mint tea, and Lucky Strikes for Camel. My early morning ritual is completely different, and surprisingly it wasn't too painful to change.

Change is on my mind a lot recently. If the slightest person or thing shifted a couple of years ago I would go insane. My total need for control over keeping things the same is what severed what few ties of friendship Ex Best Friend #1 and I had. I think it got ugly when I phsyically attempted to stop him moving from our house. Bad times. Recently though, I've been embracing change. My friendship with Righteous Because of my Boyfriend Friend has been slowly fading into obscurity, and it hasn't really upset me. One of those reasons is because a girl I have known for a while has recently become a much more important part of my life and will henceforth be known as Scarily Alike Friend. Scarily Alike Friend is currently travelling around and will be coming to stay with Boyfriend and I very soon, something which is making me extremely happy, and not so bothered when my green tea turned out to be minty.

Best Friend #1 will be here to stay on Saturday, so Boyfriend and I have been madly cleaning the house, only to discover the spare room was completely teeming with fleas. That was off the richter scale of fun, as our animals are de-flead to an obsessive point, which meant they have been coming in off the streets again (in the summer you cannot walk down our street without emerging with what appears to be fetching knee length socks, but is actually hundreds of tiny parasites sucking on your blood). So we had to wash EVERYTHING in there, and jay's fluid the shit out of it. Luckily we're finally back on track, and I baked my special jam cookies for Boyfriend last night so he could eat his feelings when he found out he was not needed at work today. Boyfriend LOVES to eat his feelings, you wouldn't think it to look at him though. So, anyway, the house is nearly ready for Best Friend #1 to stay, although knowing him he will not even notice my careful dusting and shining, he will probably just make me drink tequila. Tequila and I are not on speaking terms, but we make the effort when Best Friend #1 is around. There's no need to drag him into the quarrel.

Best Friend #1 will be here for five days, and on the fifth I will join him on a plane back to my homeland for Female Best Friend's wedding, where I am her witness. She has also asked me to do a reading which I am so honoured to do, and so happy to be involved in her big day, the only fear I have is looking out into the crowd whilst reading and seeing the three exes who really really hate me glaring right back at me. Best Friend #2 who I will be staying with, has promised we can sneak in a hip flask, to help me act calmly and not get into a war of words or other with the exes. I suppose you have to face your demons some time, it's just all at once seems a bit excessive, even with the negative Karma I have racked up over the years. After the wedding, Best Friend #2 and I will spend some quality time together; we lived together for a long time, so it's weird having to snatch snippets of time with him, but at least I get to see him at all. He also enjoys reading about films and comics as much as me, if not more, so I can indulge in that without everyone around me thinking I need to be committed.

Once I return from the Motherland, Scarily Alike Friend will be here for a visit, where hopefully I won't be asked to act nicely to Tequila again. I am really looking forward to seeing her, I think my mother is already lining her up to be Daughter point two. She does this often, she refers to Best Friend #2 as 'her son', and also tried to adopt Sarcastic But Deep Down he's Sweet Friend the first time she met him too. She is like a scientist off his lithium, disappointed in what she created, so always trying to find the ultimate kid of my age to pass off as me. I don't find it offensive, I personally think she's very smart keeping her options open.

In other news, after having had our bearded dragons for two years, it has suddenly become apparent one is in fact, a male. Funny story; we asked the lizard shop for a boy and girl, but some woman so up on her high horse she could barely see us gave us a massive lecture about how you could only have two females together blah blah blah and did a big deal of sexing them in front of us. Have any of you seen Bearded Dragons mate? The first time I did I nearly had a heart attack. I was yelling at Boyfriend to get them apart, thinking one was attacking the other, until slowly, slowly, it dawned on me. So the first time our male built up the courage to get sexy, I totally ruined the mood and his self-esteem, and I don't think they do lizard sex therapy. We're now looking into incubators, just in case, so that is money we DEFINITELY have. Because the last of our money didn't pay for our bills at all, that would be silly, and mean we are terrible at financing.

Which we are.

The other day I did something outlandish and daring; I LEFT THE HOUSE. I tore myself away from trying to work out who will play the Riddler in Batman 3 (if it's Johnny Depp, I will kill myself) and fantasising about Owen Wilson and Craig Robinson playing Powerman and Ironfist, to go to the bar Boyfriend works in and socialise. I got dressed up, I took a few books in case I got bored, and I remembered to change out of slippers into shoes. Now I just want to say here, I am not an antisocial person, Hell I love going out. It's just going out here, in this town always ends in some form of soap opera style drama, and the worst part is the inhabitants/main characters absolutely LOVE it. They will be crying and screaming to the nearest person to them, 'but I just don't understand why he had to tell everyone about that one time we had crazy monkey sex/stole money from the collection/talked about everyone behind their backs!!!!' but you can see from the gleam in their eye they are secretly ecstatic. Because a/they are centre of attention, b/everyone feels kind of sorry for them and c/ it gives them something to do other than give themselves cirrhosis of the liver.

So, as I said, I went down to the bar in shoes, no less, and did some breathing exercises in my head to mentally prepare myself for whatever fiasco would go down that night. I gingerly sipped on my vodka cranberry and spoke with a couple of friends about outrageous dental costs. Within a few minutes I was actually having fun; I was managing wit, and the people there were on top form. Before long, the bar had filled up with pretty much all the regulars but no one was causing any trouble! It was like an 18 cert film had been sold to disney and edited out to make a PG (if it wasn't for their penchant for certain words, it could have easily been a U).

Then, in walked in the most mild mannered man in the whole town. A shy and timid thing, but friendly and sweet all the same, none of us thought anything of his entrance. I sat and chatted with him as he is a good friend of Boyfriend's, and remember thinking 'what a lovely guy, he is an absolute delight, we must get him round for a barbeque when Best Friend #1 comes to stay in a few weeks'.

WELL. I could not have been more wrong. The time it took me to finish one vodka cranberry he had downed 3 vodkas. Having heard he has a tendancy to polish off a bottle of vodka before he goes anywhere, I assumed he was able to handle it. Well, he probably would have been able to handle it, to be fair, had he not been on copious amounts of coke, something I didn't realise until he began going absolutely insane. I'm not talking a couple of lines, this guy was gone. He was reading way too much into things people asked him; for example I said 'everyone's been asking you about your job tonight, tell me something actually about you', meaning what's your favourite film and so forth. This was his coherent and rational response: 'I know what you're doing! You're trying to get me to tell you what I know! The gossip, the news, what I know! I'll never tell you about it, never. I know you're not a gossip and hate gossip but I KNOW YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I KNOW. You'll never know who I am, and will never know anything I know. YOU'RE A GOSSIP. But I know you hate gossip.'


Well to say that speech confused me would be the understatement of the year. Then he decided to tell everyone who would listen that a mild mannered Irish customer was a massive racist. He then attempted to hit this man a few times, and got right up in his face, but then cleverly disguised his appallingly bad swing as a hug. I spent the entire evening apologising for his behaviour, and quite frankly it was getting exhausting. All I could think of was 'this is the first nice night out I've had in a long time, the first night everyone's getting along, and the only non trouble maker comes in and makes the biggest scene I've ever seen, why is this bar such a drama magnet?' The cocaine fuelled antics hadn't stopped yet though, now he was threatening very loudly to drive his van home. His van that he used for work, that wasn't technically his van it was his company's, and the only mode of transport he has. Even if he wasn't acting like King of the Dicks and on coke, he had drunk pretty much a bottle and a half of vodka. I told him I was not going to let him drive home, at which point he threatened to swing for me too. Boyfriend wasn't having this, and took him outside where he proceeded to scream, punch his knees, call everyone a cunt then change his mind, kick his van, and attempt to punch Boyfriend three times. Luckily he was unable to open his van, so walked home, but God knows if he ever got there. This was 3 nights ago, and no-one's heard from him since so he's probably still asleep in a rubbish bin somewhere.

I have no desire to go drinking again anytime soon. Turns out, thinking up people to play the Riddler in Batman 3 is actually a much better way for me to spend my time (Jason Lee anyone?? Come on it would be great!) plus Iron Man 2 is out now, so next time I decide I want an evening out I think the cinema would be the safer option. On the plus side, Best Friend #1 will be here for a visit in a matter of weeks which I'm so excited about, as long as he doesn't disappear off and wake up in a Chinese family's house (something he has a habit of doing).

Jubilee